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<h1>Here are Mark Twain&#8217;s sickest burns. Illustrated</h1>
<p>Let&#8217;s just get to it, shall we?</p>
<h2>1. Mark Twain on politics</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-1.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 1 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4295" /></p>
<p><em>&#8220;The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet&#8221;. </em></p>
<p>Mark Twain was apparently <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/1998/12/20/weekinreview/word-for-word-samuel-l-clemens-journalist-when-congress-last-rose-impeach-mark.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">not a fan</a> of U.S. politics. I wonder what he&#8217;d say now?</p>
<h2>2. Mark Twain on some guy&#8217;s wife</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-2.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 2 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4296" /></p>
<p><em>“I do not believe I could learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight”. </em></p>
<p>He said <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=faElCgAAQBAJ&#038;pg=PA241&#038;lpg=PA241#v=onepage&#038;q&#038;f=false" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">this</a> about Lilian Aldrich, wife of poet and novelist Thomas Bailey Aldrich. He called her &#8220;strange and vanity-devoured&#8221;.</p>
<h2>3. Mark Twain on the news</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-3.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 3 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4297" /></p>
<p><em>“The trouble is that the stupid people &#8212; who constitute the grand overwhelming majority of this and all other nations &#8212; do believe and are molded and convinced by what they get out of a newspaper.”</em></p>
<p>Though he was a publisher, he was not always a huge fan of the <a href="http://schindler.org/twain.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">press</a>. Or of people, apparently.</p>
<h2>4. Mark Twain on a beloved book</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-4.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 4 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4298" /></p>
<p><em>&#8220;Once you put it down, you simply can&#8217;t pick it up&#8221;.</em></p>
<p><a href="http://www.ralphmag.org/twain.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">He said this</a> about a beloved book by Henry James. Or was it <a href="https://www.vqronline.org/essay/barkeeper-entering-kingdom-heaven-did-mark-twain-really-hate-jane-austen" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Jane Austen?</a>. Probably both.</p>
<h2>5. Mark Twain on politics again</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-5.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 5 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4294" /></p>
<p><em>“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”</em></p>
<p>Was he mad about the state of society, and angry at the actions of lawmakers performing bad governance when he said this? Well, yes. But he was mad about <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=FkcLAAAAIAAJ&#038;pg=PA724#v=onepage&#038;q&#038;f=false" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">the cost of a stamp</a>.</p>
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<h2>6. Mark Twain on animals</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-6.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 6 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4299" /></p>
<p><em>“Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.” </em></p>
<p>Mark Twain wrote quite a bit about animals. And people. And I think we know <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=S6kwDwAAQBAJ&#038;pg=PA19#v=onepage&#038;q&#038;f=false" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">where he stands</a> on both.</p>
<h2>7. Mark Twain on church</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-7.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 7 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4300" /></p>
<p><em>“Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.” </em></p>
<p>Wait, what? Written in a <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=0kJIHh0a4fUC&#038;q=wine#v=onepage&#038;q=573&#038;f=false" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">letter</a> to Henry H. Rogers in 1905.</p>
<h2>8. Mark Twain on criticism</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-8.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 8 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4301" /></p>
<p><em>&#8220;I like criticism, but it must be my way&#8221;.</em></p>
<p>And it&#8217;s funny, <a href="https://www.loa.org/news-and-views/981-mark-twain-and-william-dean-howells-the-friendship-that-transformed-american-literature" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">coming</a> from the guy who criticized literally everyone.</p>
<h2>9. Mark Twain on Jane Austen (so to speak)</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-9.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 9 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4302" /></p>
<p><em>“Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book.” </em></p>
<p>One of his <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=yK1IAAAAMAAJ&#038;pg=PA322#v=onepage&#038;q&#038;f=false" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">best</a> zingers about Jane Austen. There are more? Oh yes. <a href="https://www.vqronline.org/essay/barkeeper-entering-kingdom-heaven-did-mark-twain-really-hate-jane-austen" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Very much so.</a> He kinda hated her, though he apparently read her books over and over. </p>
<h2>10. Mark Twain on&#8230; school boards?</h2>
<p> ;<br />
<img src="https://www.historyhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Mark-Twain-History-Hustle-10.jpg" alt="Mark Twain History Hustle 10 image" width="800" height="800" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4303" /></p>
<p><em>“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”</em></p>
<p>This is from <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/102/102-h/102-h.htm" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson</a> and appears in Following the Equator, too. Despite the humorous burn, the story actually tackles some serious subject matter.</p>
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